Healthy Living, Lakeshore Labs

CHI Acquires Stake in Cold Storage Facility

Leave a comment

CHI Acquires Stake in Cold Storage Facility

Move is the company’s third such facility since its founding

Cash Heavy Industries announces its selection and acquisition of a nearly 0.9 m3 facility dedicated to the cold storage of comestibles and comestible-related inventory. The facility is located at CHI’s vaunted Lakeshore Labs.

“Our previous cold storage facility abruptly exited the marketplace,” said CHI line manager Erik Niemiera. “We proceeded through due diligence and selected a new vendor, LG Electronics Inc., for these necessary services.” The facility came online Tuesday and has been meeting expectations.

No material change to CHI’s income statement is expected. Q2’17 capital expenditure will be slightly higher.

Cash Heavy Industries produces a full range of hexane-based solvents for industrial applications. Contact your sales engineer for a free catalog and MSDS inserts! CHI: the height of aspiration; the depth of luxury.

Apex Airways

CHI Announces Airline Writeoff

Leave a comment

Cash Heavy Industries Exits Airline Business

Company could not survive swat from heavy hand of North Dakota municipal worker

After launching one of the fastest-growing no-cost carriers (NCCs) in the United States, building an award-winning frequent flyer program, forging promotional relationships with VISA, Domino’s Pizza, and Service Corporation International, all on an investment of over 7.0 CF, Cash Heavy Industries announces the merger of Apex Airways to United Continental Holdings, Inc. and the substantial write-down of all shareholder value associated with this asset.

The Domino's Cinna Stix promotion—one of Apex's most popular ever
The Domino’s Cinna Stix promotion—one of Apex’s most popular ever

Apex flew high and strong, but pretty short. CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton noted, “No other carrier made such a little go a very long way.” Apex’s regulation-light, asset-light, reality-light, revenue-zero approach to business operations changed the face of flying.

Apex brought its unique brand of flying to an incalculable number of passengers. And Apex received accolades from around the world. Apex was featured in the official blog of Springfield/Branson National Airport.

Minot's initial favorable response to Apex.
Minot’s initial favorable response to Apex.

Apex also received kudos from an apparently-now-terminated social media manager at Minot International Airport (see screenshot at right). Unfortunately, Apex was driven out of business by a cease-and-desist e-mail sent by Andrew Solsvig, Minot’s humorless airport director. Mr. Solsvig wrote, “I don’t find [Apex’s operations] amusing.”

Minot International Airport had refused to offer any promotional support or financial incentives, despite a gusher of federal dollars flowing into the region’s collapsing economy. The loss of any support from one of Apex’s hometown hubs led to the demise of the carrier. Connecting bus service from Minot-SUX (Sioux City) never left the gate.

CHI will absorb the entire value of Apex Airways, including legal, promotional, operational, catering, and security expenses, by taking a one-time 7.24 CF write-down against FY’16 earnings.

Did you know? CHI is an innovator in pet leasing. Need a dog or cat for less than a lifetime? Try CHI’s Instapets service. CHI: our surrenders leave scars that harden for decades.

Apex Airways, Travel

CHI Announces New Subsidiary: Apex Airways

Leave a comment

Apex Airways Takes to the Skies
People on the ground check flight paths in terror

Cash Heavy Industries — now the third-largest global conglomerate of its type — is proud to announce its newest corporate venture, Apex Airways.

“Apex Airways is the global carrier that touches you personally,” said CHI’s vice-president of transport services, Lester Turow. “With Apex, CHI’s sinewy tentacles extend even further across the globe.”

Minot CentralApex Airways provides air travel across the world using its two centrally-located United States hubs. Its foreign codeshare and alliance partners provide the muscle to get Apex customers into those hard-to-reach places.

CHI investors will find much to like about the Apex philosophy. Apex is segmenting the market into tinier and tinier pieces. Apex just launched MiddleClass — a product that’s an instant hit with our aspirational customers. MiddleClass offers an all-middle seats product at a premium price. “Our ultimate goal with market segmentation is to offer a different, profitable price point for every single seat on the plane. We are also experimenting with segmenting individual seats, for those customers who do not need to purchase an entire seat,” said Turow. “Fractional seat ownership is the next great wave, and Apex Airways is surfing that wave right to the top!”

Another differentiator for Apex is its absence from staid, traditional airline organizations like Airlines for America (A4A), the IATA, the ICAO, the Federal Aviation Administration, the Internal Revenue Service, and others. Apex believes its customers appreciate its “regulation-light” approach to air travel. Why should customers pay for government services they do not use? Turow: “Spirit isn’t the only air carrier chafing at the strain of government regulation. But Apex is the only carrier that does something about it — passing the savings on to customers.”

Apex Airways aspires to be an “always-on” brand. You can reach Apex on all of its customer channels: the Apex Airways web site, @ApexAirways on Twitter, on Facebook as Apex Airways, or by using a Touch-Tone-compatible phone on its fully automated phone line, 844-400-APEX (2739).

So fly over to the new Apex Airways sites and learn where Apex will be taking you!

Certain forward-looking statements of Cash Heavy Industries may be present in this posting but this is to be expected as CHI never looks back. CHI bears no shame for its history. All that can be expected is the remorseless swing of the Grim Reaper’s scythe. CHI. CHI. CHI. It is inevitable.

Litigation

Cash Heavy Industries Files Trademark Lawsuit Against Fuji Heavy Industries and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries

Leave a comment

Cash Heavy Industries Declares
“It’s War!” on Japanese Trademark Squatters

Cash Heavy Industries announces that it has filed a trademark suit in the Central District of California, Los Angeles Division, against both Fuji Heavy Industries, Co., Ltd. and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, Ltd. (Japan).  CHI seeks compensatory damages, punitive damages, treble damages, aggravated damages, and whimsical damages, plus attorney fees in the amount of 40%.

As CHI’s loyal customers have known since 2007, the phrase “Heavy Industries” when used as a piece of nonsensical wordage is a registered service mark of Cash Heavy Industries.  CHI’s General Counsel Vlad Smith stated: “We have heard from customers and others that Fuji’s and Mitsubishi’s use of our mark ‘Heavy Industries’ is confusing to the public and potential future customers.  Therefore we have filed suit to invalidate these marks.”

At press time, shares in CHI were down slightly on the OTC Pink Sheets.

CHI suffers no one easily and remains resolute in the face of logic.

Corporate Partnerships

CHI Announces UberONE

Leave a comment

Cash Heavy Industries, a leader in the travel-consuming industry, announces an exciting partnership with Uber. The new joint venture, dubbed UberONE, will have significant worst-mover market position.

Uber’s famous platform connects drivers with riders and encourages each party to rate the other. As is well known, Uber routinely expels the lowest-performing drivers and most obnoxious riders from its platform. This offers the promise of better experiences for those still using Uber.

“But that’s where we saw an opportunity,” says D. Barrett, Vice-President of Travel-Consuming Services, based at CHI’s Lakeshore Labs. “The one-star rider and driver still have a niche to fill in the transportion ecosystem. UberONE is that niche.”

Here’s how it works:

  1. One-star riders and drivers are drubbed off of the Uber platform by universal rejection and loathing.
  2. A few days after standard Uber service is suspended, the user will receive a push notification inviting him or her to join UberONE, the community for other one-star citizens.
  3. From there, riders who fart or won’t stop talking about blood on the phone may request rides from drivers who are continually “8 minutes away and headed right to you,” drivers with broken seat belts, and any regular Chicago taxi driver. (“We decided the typical taxi experience fit in with our UberONE offering from the start,” said Barrett.)

The platform will also attempt to connect riders and drivers who have similar interests. For example, riders who have previously vomited in an Uber vehicle will be paired with drivers who have multiple DUIs, and professional football players will be paired with drivers who really like you and want to get your number.

UberONE will be available later this summer.

UberONE follows on the heels of CHI’s successful Overland Transport expansion (“CHI: We’ll take your load!”), which now operates at major air terminals across the Eastern U.S.

Corporate Partnerships

CHI Divests Stake in Real Estate Venture

Leave a comment

CHI Says Goodbye to Ancestral Roots

Cash Heavy Industries announces it has concluded a midnight agreement to sell its 100% interest in investment property located in central Ohio. The property, formerly known as Exchange Labs, is being sold to an anonymous buyer.

“CHI got its start just a mile from the old Exchange Labs site,” said Jerry Jarvik, CHI’s Vice-President for Facilities Management. “With this sale, we release our last physical stake in our homeland Ohio region.” Cash Heavy Industries’ flagship social networking and travel-consuming services will, of course, remain available nationwide.

A former industrial brownfield site, Exchange Labs was thoroughly renovated in 2003 in a top-to-bottom remediation project that saw the removal of lead paint, asbestos, nitric acid, telephone wiring, and other materials incompatible with organic life. A green roof capped the project.

The sale, worth approximately 1262 CF, is expected to close by the end of May.

Corporate Partnerships, Travel

CHI Suffers Data Breach

Leave a comment
Customer Relationship Management system breached; CHI offers limited support to affected

Cash Heavy Industries discloses that systems belonging to a related company, on which some CHI data was stored, were breached at an on-shore facility.  Some personally-identifying information belonging to CHI employees and customers was released.  The affected system included records relating to Customer Relationship Management.

The breach occurred in February.  CHI could not report on this incident until its investigation had been completed.  The investigation revealed that an outside contractor, known to have a history of alcoholism, left a device containing CHI data unattended at a public marine terminal for a period of time.  While the device was unattended, it was accessed by person(s) unknown who made use of a common exploit based on social engineering.  That device was recovered and is being remotely wiped today.

CHI’s Chief Data Officer, 张伟, provided this statement: “We’re sorry that an outside contractor did not employ industry-standard data security practices.  CHI’s external relationships are being reevaluated for the security and safety of all our business partners.”

CHI will offer 8 months’ free credit and social media monitoring to any person affected by the breach.  Simply go to www.cashheavyindustries.com, scroll down to the picture of a cow fetus, double-click on it, enter RODEO11 as your coupon code, enter your SSN and Chase Preferred Visa number, expiration date, billing ZIP code, CVV2 code, and await processing.

Cash Heavy Industries maintains sophisticated algorithms.

Corporate Partnerships, Financial Results, Lakeshore Labs

Final Update on Lakeshore Labs Disaster

Leave a comment

The surviving quorum of the Company’s Board of Directors approved the following actions at an emergency board meeting today in the floating city of New Chicago:

  • As compensation, CHI will open a school for the newly blind at the perimeter of the exclusion zone.
  • CHI intends to seek federal patent protection for any pharmacologically active New Molecular Entities (NMEs) created in the incident.  CHI anticipates donating these patents to the newly-created Wrigleyville’s Future Fund to assist any future residents affected by birth defects (including limb reduction).
  • As soon as is feasible, CHI intends to update its Q4’14 EPS guidance to reflect tax implications of claims filed under the Price-Anderson Nuclear Industries Indemnity Act.
  • CHI announced its intent to withdraw as a sponsor of the 2015 Macy’s Flower Show.

“Our Company’s long-term stability was not affected by these events,” commented CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton.  “In fact, because we can deduct emergency service provision as a charitable contribution to the community, and given vastly reduced post-disaster property taxes on our Lakeshore Labs facility, our FY’13 outlook may actually have been enhanced.”  Details of CHI’s financial performance are available at the Investor Relations page on CHI’s web site.

CHI separately announced that the bus was not significantly damaged and will be returned to service following standard decontamination procedures.

Cash Heavy Industries operates in 24 countries worldwide but this statement does not constitute consent to CHI’s consent to legal jurisdiction in any particular judicial forum.  CHI’s remaining scientists, innovators, and lawyers are proud to serve the communities in which they live.

Healthy Living

“Go Green!” with Cash Heavy Industries!

Leave a comment

Just in time for the fall gardening season, CHI’s crucial Social Networking Division offers these valuable tips to “Go Green! with CHI!”

  • Compost old fruits, vegetables, and grass clippings.  Paper, including laboratory analyses and state EPA correspondence, may also be shredded and composted.
  • Reduce, reuse, and recycle: if you’re running a lab, one of these will apply to any given subject animal.  Make no little plans!
  • HGTV, the Home and Garden channel, available through CHI’s cable television arm Comcast, is a great way to learn how to keep your home healthy, happy, and looking gorgeous.  Comcast subscription packages start at just 0.29 CF per month.
  • “International law” is a legal fiction that only applies if you believe in it.  Consider how much of the earth would be covered by burdensome regulations if everyone followed this law.
  • Imagine what would happen if every first responder used one less plastic water bottle per day.  That would save several cubic decameters of landfill space each year!

Without waiving legal privilege, Cash Heavy Industries apologizes for anything foregoing.

Lakeshore Labs

Update on Lakeshore Labs Fire and Earthquake

Leave a comment

CHI’s Genetic Analysis Combat Team, the Department of Homeland Security, and the Illinois Division of Liquor Control have jointly advised Chicagoans to follow these simple steps which are essential for the protection of life and safety.

  • Remain indoors unless infected.
  • Magenta flames may contain furans or other chemicals known to be persistent in the environment.   Avoid touching or collecting mineralized combustion products.
  • If domestic water supply remains connected, USE SHUT-OFF VALVES TO ELIMINATE THE FLOWS IMMEDIATELY.   Please to not use this appartus !!
  • Observe mandatory curfews.   A valid Sovinterncontrol passport or federal police credential is required for access to streets and sidewalks.
  • Shovel snow and debris within 24 hours to keep walkways clear of embers.   Avoid contact with or looking directly at embers.

Also, CHI’s General Counsel Vlad Smith issued the following statement:

Obviously, we are all deeply saddened and shaken by the tragic events of today.  CHI asks neighbors to comply with the directives of any armed personnel.  CHI technicians are working around the clock to understand the source of the seismic activity and the “burning almond syrup” smell.  Unfortunately, because of the heat, we are unable to get any reconnaisance robots into the affected sector, so we do not know when this incident will be fully contained.

A small technical delegation will soon be en route to U.S. Department of Energy facilities in Hanford, Washington for briefing and decontamination.

There is no timetable for the reconstruction of Belmont Harbor.

Until recently, Cash Heavy Industries operated the only thorium breeder in the Midwest.  To learn more about CHI’s suite of quality products and services, follow @CashHeavyInds on Twitter.

Lakeshore Labs

Situation is Contained at Lakeshore Labs

Leave a comment
First responders treated at scene for inhalation injuries; all remaining livestock humanely slaughtered

Safety personnel evacuated CHI’s Lakeshore Labs facility today after systems failed.  Human life was never significantly endangered† during the incident.

“We regret any impact the incident had on our neighbors and their gametes,” said CHI’s Vice-President for External Affairs and Legitimate Tax Avoidance Strategies, Kate Philby.  She continued: “At this time, the facility is radiologically inert, and there is no further reason to avoid the area.  We want to thank our insurers and their reinsurers for their support at this difficult time.”

† Please note that CHI does not sell plasticizers or humectants directly to consumers and disclaims all warranties for these compounds.  Contact a local CHI supply chain depot if you experience burning of nose or throat.

Cash Heavy Industries is one of the largest producers of fibers for the carpet and dental industries. To find out more, visit CHI’s web site at www.cashheavyindustries.com.

Lakeshore Labs

CHI Disputes Unconfirmed Media Reports

Leave a comment

After unsubstantiated media reports of events at CHI’s award-winning Lakeshore Labs, CHI’s Public Affairs Department issued the following statement:

Lakeshore Labs is humming with normal, non-lethal activity today.  There is no so-called ‘incident’ or ’emergency’ at Lakeshore Labs.  Any mutilated cattle found on Lake Shore Drive could not be escapees from Lakeshore Labs, because CHI lacks the necessary Department of Agriculture permits to engage in animal research.  CHI reminds out-of-town media that Chicago is actually a dense metropolitan area with many slaughterhouses and petting zoos, and any aromatic compounds that may have been be detected could plausibly have emanated from any number of other private property holders in the area.

Cash Heavy Industries will not hesitate to defend its good name in the media, before the relevant administrative tribunals, or in a court of competent jurisdiction.

Trading in CHI’s stock has been halted by whoever it is that runs the Pink Sheets.

Did you know?  Cash Heavy Industries manufactures a complete line of children’s toys and furniture.  CHI’s Sling-A-Way line is the perfect way to put your baby on his back.

Corporate Partnerships, Financial Results

CHI to License Sanrio’s Exciting “Hello Kitty” Characters for FY 2014 SEC Filings

Leave a comment

Cash Heavy Industries’ Investor Relations Bureau announces that it has licensed Hello Kitty and all her adorable friends — including Pochacco, the excitable spacedog who probably pees a lot — for use in CHI’s upcoming filings with the United States Securities Exchange Commission.  Cash Heavy Industries’ financial year begins October 1.

“In order to brand-align our 10-K and other public filings, Cash Heavy Industries has decided to license the entire Sanrio family for use in its regulatory filings,” commented CHI’s manager for Investor Relations-United States, Chad 2.  “CHI has always operated under an interpretation of SEC regulations that is fanciful, colorful, and cuddly — just like Hello Kitty herself!  Ms. Kitty’s fun-spirited nature will communicate to the regulatory authorities our ‘fun’ take on our numbers.  And the cute spacedog is just adorably distracting!”

The cost of this licensing arrangement was not announced, but is expected to be both exorbitant and buried in completely not-fraudulent 10-K reports to the SEC.

CHI trades on Pink Sheets OTC markets everywhere.

Travel

CHI Re-Enters Rhode Island Market

Leave a comment
CHI returns to Rhode Island for the first time since 2001

CHI recently reentered the Rhode Island market, a geographic sector CHI hasn’t targeted since 2001.  “The good people of these Rhode Island and Providence Plantations have not been forgotten,” commented CHI Chief Executive Officer Julie Anderton.  “This initiative is part of the Company’s efforts to grow its presence in New England.”

CHI cedes nothing easily.

Products

CHI Releases New Product

Leave a comment
CHI Tai Will Make a Smash as Early as September

Recent R&D work at CHI’s Lakeshore Labs Division is expected to lead to a breakthrough in CHI‘s crucial Social Networking Division.  CHI researchers have perfected the mai tai and will be releasing it in Q3’14 as the CHI Tai.

CHI has invested more than 2.1 CF into its latest property.  While raw materials costs do increase slightly and are expected to rise modestly further, gross output in CHI’s Social Networking operations is expected to climb sharply.